❤️‍🩹 Why Humans Can Be Loving and Destructive – Insights from Robert Sapolsky’s Behave ❤️‍🩹

Why are people sometimes loving and sometimes destructive? In Behave, Robert Sapolsky shows that behavior never has a single cause, but is an interplay of biology, upbringing, context, and culture. Neurotransmitters, hormones, and past experiences guide how we respond to stress, love, or conflict. His message is hopeful: biology is not our destiny. With awareness, mindfulness, and NLP, we can break patterns and make new choices.

There are days when you surprise yourself. One moment, you’re incredibly patient and caring gentle with your partner, attentive with your children, compassionate with colleagues. And then suddenly, something triggers you, and you snap. You react sharply, withdraw, or even act destructively.

How is it possible that the same brain, the same heart, can produce such contradictions?

In his monumental work Behave, neurobiologist and primatologist Robert Sapolsky explains that human behavior is never simple. It is never just about “character” or “willpower.” Instead, behavior is a layered dance between biology, upbringing, context, and culture.

And here’s the hopeful message: biology is not destiny. You are not a prisoner of your genes or your past. With awareness, mindfulness, and tools like NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), we can break patterns and choose new responses.

Behavior Across Time Layers

Sapolsky invites us to see behavior across different timescales:

• Seconds before action: Neurotransmitters and hormones shape your response. Adrenaline and cortisol, for instance, decide whether you stay calm or shift into fight-or-flight.

• Hours or days before: Sleep, food, and stress influence your mood and choices.

• Childhood experiences: Attachment, upbringing, and trauma wire your stress system and coping strategies.

• Culture and evolution: Norms, values, and shared stories shape what we call “normal” or “acceptable.”

So when you overreact to a small comment, it’s rarely about just the present moment. It could also be the echo of poor sleep, an old belief, or a deeply ingrained pattern.

Our Best and Worst Sides

Sapolsky demonstrates beautifully that behavior is always two-sided:

• Aggression is not just an instinct. It emerges from biology (testosterone, the amygdala), social context (injustice, exclusion), and cultural norms (honor, revenge).

• Empathy is often driven by oxytocin — but only within our group. We empathize more easily with those who resemble us than with strangers.

• Morality is partly biological. Our intuitive brain reacts instantly to injustice. Yet it is also deeply shaped by upbringing and culture.

This insight is liberating: behavior is never just a conscious choice. It’s a sum of influences. And once you realize that, you can cultivate compassion for yourself and for others.

When “Not Good Enough” Becomes a Pattern

Many of my coaching clients at Klarvida share the same story: they feel “not enough.” They compare themselves constantly, hiding behind masks to meet expectations. Beneath this perfectionism often lies a deep sense of inferiority.

Sapolsky helps us see why. Insecurity is not only psychological — it’s biological and contextual. Chronic stress raises cortisol, making us more critical and negative. Cultural pressure (“you must always perform”) reinforces the cycle.

👉 If you feel trapped in people-pleasing and perfectionism, self-confidence coaching can help you reclaim your value. Not by working harder, but by learning to take yourself seriously without overcompensating.

From Neurons to Society

On a biological level, neurotransmitters play a key role:

• Dopamine fuels motivation and reward.

• Serotonin supports stability and resilience.

• Oxytocin deepens bonding and empathy, but also reinforces “us vs. them.”

• Testosterone & cortisol are double-edged: testosterone can trigger competition or protection, while cortisol helps short-term alertness but drains energy when chronic.

On top of that comes context: poverty, discrimination, or unsafe environments intensify stress and aggression. Safety, trust, and belonging, on the other hand, strengthen empathy and cooperation.

👉 This is why at Klarvida I always start with your story. Coaching is not copy-paste. In personalized coaching & therapy, we explore your biology, emotions, and context — so that guidance truly fits your life.

NLP: Rewiring the Automatic

Sapolsky shows how often we react before the rational brain kicks in. NLP works exactly here:

• Identify and reframe limiting beliefs.

• Shift your state with breathing, posture, and language.

• Use future pacing to rehearse calm, clear responses in stressful situations.

By practicing these techniques, your brain creates new networks. What was once automatic can become conscious choice.

Mindfulness: Pressing Pause

Mindfulness is the antidote to autopilot reactions. It calms the amygdala, strengthens the prefrontal cortex, and creates space between trigger and response.

A simple practice is the STOP method:

• Stop

• Take a breath

• Observe

• Proceed

I use this regularly myself, and I see how powerful it is for clients. It’s not abstract or “spiritual fluff”, it’s a concrete way to soothe your nervous system.

Trauma and Safety

Many intense reactions go back to old wounds. Trauma leaves traces in both brain and body, making you react with fear even when your rational mind “knows” you are safe.

That’s why I always work with a trauma-sensitive approach: gentle, respectful, and paced at your speed. Sometimes safety must come first before change is possible.

👉 Trauma & anxiety therapy helps restore balance in your nervous system and reconnect you with yourself.

Practical Tools You Can Try Today

• Behavior journal: Track triggers, emotions, and context to uncover patterns.

• Future rehearsal: Visualize a tough situation and practice staying calm.

• Context check: Ask, “Would others react the same under these conditions?” This builds empathy.

• Three mindful breaths: Pause, breathe, and choose again.

A Hopeful Message

Behave can feel overwhelming, but its essence is hopeful: biology is not destiny. The brain is plastic. Emotions are flexible. Even culture can shift new stories create new behaviors.

At Klarvida, I work with the same conviction. You are not your thoughts, not your past, not your biology alone. You carry an inner compass that can be realigned. With NLP, mindfulness, and personalized coaching, we build more calm, clarity, and strength together.

Ready to break free from automatic patterns? Book your free introductory session today - no waiting list, no judgment, simply at your pace.